November 15, 2010

An Operation of Sorts

Theme song: Vogue, Madonna, I'm Breathless

I'm sitting with a whole tray of Chelsea buns in front of me at the moment. Must say that I'm missing the coffee though  -- water just really doesn't help this stuff go down well, but caffeine sacrifices must be made.

Strangely enough, the taste of these buns remind me of Purity baby food (Wtf?!) and that, in turn, reminds me of my vacation to Upington a few years ago. My cousin, bless her, went with me to help make everything a bit more bearable. While we were at one of the supermarkets there, she suggested that we buy a bottle of Purity. She was craving it and, admittedly, so was I. I can't remember whether it was the pear flavour or not, but it tasted damn good. Fergie's The Dutchess and fabulous diet ideas revolving around baby food as the main component then ensued, followed by laughing at the strange pool-people's antics. I really do enjoy reminiscing about the halcyon days.

Today's post and theme-song are unrelated, by the way.

I'm partway through my second bun now, ignoring the fact that if I eat too many of these I'll become fatter than I already am. A friend of mine once told me that this was no problem -- I'm basically just a huge teddy bear: an odd compliment that stuck waaaaaaaaaaaay back in 2006 when I had two of my wisdom teeth removed.

Having wisdom teeth removed, people always say that it hurts a lot and that there are weeks and weeks of discomfort. Strangely enough, all that I recall is being wheeled into the operating theatre and noticing that it was all tiled and creamish inside. It was quite a letdown, actually. It resembled a bathroom without its cupboards, shower, bath and toilet.

Then there was this nurse. Not really the classic African Sisi-type (for those readers who take a bit longer that the rest of us to digest something, I'm not being racist or prejudiced), but close enough in her manner of speaking. They were about to put a needle into one of the veins on the back of my (left, I think, but it doesn't really matter) hand when she kept on telling me to look away and stare at the tiles. Then she said something like Bi-sting, bi-sting, bi-sting. Not e wari is jas e bi-sting. No, no, no, not e look hye is jas e bi-sting.*

I lay there thinking Woman, I'm deathly allergic to honeybee venom. I've never even had a bee sting me before. But I'm so sedated at the moment, I really don't give a damn.

The oxygen mask came next: (after putting the mask over my face) Not e wari, is jas e pyoh oxijeen thees. Brith, brith dip!* (and I'm already panting in this oxygen like a woman who's about to have the most mind-blowing orgasm of her life) Yes, yes e dip briths. Maas brith dip!*

And then my mouth felt all funny and tasted like hospital and I had an ice-pack around my face. That was it. I was officially a human male with 30 teeth in his mouth. I still have them here somewhere though. Reminds me that I should go and forage for them again sometime.

That, my dear fluffballs, is all the blood that I'm able to draw from the rock that is my exam-mode self.

More on the adventures of myself and my cousin, my hate list, my life, speculations, current playlist, friends-circle and all those other things in-between on the next tart installment of A Medium's Monologue.

*IPA for African-Sisi (Word ---- Pronounced as ---- English Equivalent)

no  ---- no in nor ---- no

e ---- e in egg --- a

not ---- no in nor, with an added t; sounds like nort with the r silent ---- not

jas ---- jus in just, but with the u sound being slightly stretched ---- just

pyoh ---- like the Japanese pyo sound-effect --- pure

oxijeen ---- oxi-gene, with the o being pronounced as the o in nor ---- oxygen

thees ---- thee in thee, with an added brief s at the end ---- this

dip ---- i as for ink; should sound like deep with the short i replacing the long ee ---- deep

brith ---- i as for ink; should sound like breathe with the short replacing the long ea ---- breathe

maas ---- aa as sounded for the aaargh! expression, add preceding m and following s ---- must

bi ---- i as for ink; should sound like bee with the short replacing the long ee ---- bee

wari ---- wa as sounded for waaah! expression, add r with short i as described above ---- worry

is ---- iss in hiss ---- is


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